a purchased emotion

Life for me is all about sensation. I choose everything on feeling. What I am going to say, do, work on, eat, read, how I will arrange my time, operate in a particular setting, resolve conflict, resolve anything for that matter based on how I am 'feeling' at that time. This gets me into so much trouble. I can never count on my proactive side showing up when I know it needs to. I have little confidence in myself that I will have a good conversation or work detail oriented or be amusing to be around unless of course I am "feeling life it." I strain to be who I want to be. Its so exhausting. Desperate, I've watched opportunities sail be as if I were trapped at a distance, helpless to the emotion that pulls me into the chains of being my own audience. So for me it wasn't hard to imagine why or even the possibility of a drug addiction. Something to resolve my unresolve. Something that would finally put me in control of my emotions. All I had to do was insert a pill or worse into my body and I felt like doing anything... everything. I 'felt' like that person I always wanted to be. Life could be full of opportunity. I wouldn't have to search for beauty or fulfillment, only for someone to sell it to me. I would do anything for that purchase. Everything seemed meaningful. One is only truly aware of how much emotion drives the soul when those emotions are taken from him... or when there is a possibility to buy them. An aching soul. A soul that needed it's senses dusted or repaired, I slowly shifted my bondage of emotion to a more intense enslavement to opiates. As if I had an option to go to a minimum security prison or a concentration camp, and I chose the latter. A life that became parched without it and seemingly so fully quenched with... A life that is no life at all. My goal was simple, use up everything to somehow fill that void, even the people that still loved me. All I could see was the rising waters to drown me and take me over. I committed myself to a lie that I would somehow find satisfaction. My emotions were up for grabs and I was throwing everything away to regain even the smallest amount of control, or the feeling of it, until I had nothing. Like a composer stepping down to let the orchestra play itself. But I neglected the Grand Composer. In my chaos He found me and began dusting off the forgotten senses of my soul. There is a sense of hope that is increasing within me. Hope in something that is freely given namely, the gift of Christ. What oxygen is to the lungs, such is hope to the meaning of life. In Christ I am found. Not the sensation of what I should be but the reality of who I am... a new creation in the image of Jesus. So this is the gift I have recieved for Christmas this year... A new life, a life with Him, for Him and in Him.